‘Fine, thanks’ - self-portrait, 2009, 40x40 cm ‘Fine, thanks’ - self-portrait, 2009, 40x40 cm

When I am depressed, I KNOW that

  • I am the worst possible mother
  • I am the worst possible wife
  • daughter, sister, friend, colleague, etc.
  • I am useless
  • I am worthless
  • all I cause to my loved ones is trouble and pain
  • I should cease to exist
  • although I cannot kill myself causing life-long pain for my children
  • although as long as I live I cause them even more pain
  • whoever thinks they love me, they are hopelessly mistaken
  • because I am horrible
  • and shouldn’t be loved
  • and cannot be loved
  • and oughtn’t be loved
  • I didn’t get anywhere in my life: I haven’t one single PhD or a novel published
  • whatever I have done during my life was either a mistake or — a mistake
  • whoever thinks differently, they are mistaken
  • it’s all my fault

and no matter how hard people try to convince me otherwise, they are only convincing me further.