Forgiveness

I feel that forgiveness is an ever-recurring theme in my life; forgiving people who hurt me; and, the hardest thing of all, forgiving myself for hurting others. When someone wronged me, I try my best to forgive them. This doesn’t mean I don’t recognise that they did something wrong. It doesn’t mean I agree with them or try to minimise their wrongdoing. I do wish they acknowledged what they did, repented, faced punishment – first of all through their own conscience. At the same time, I recognise that they are fallible human beings – just like me. I understand that they did have their own psychological reasons; their own difficulties and sufferings that somehow led them, at that particular point in their lives, to believe that what they were doing was acceptable, or even right.

I do believe that people, at all times, try to do their best in that moment: the course of action that makes the most sense to them. I know that if I tried hard enough to put myself in their shoes, I would be able to follow their logic and understand the reasons behind their actions, which, at that time, must have made perfect sense to them. I am pretty sure I could understand any kind of criminal if I tried hard enough.

On the other hand, they did hurt me. I suffer. I carry my anger, disappointment, or even hatred. What I have to do is learn to let it go. I don’t need to be cling to my suffering, I don’t want to carry the weight of my hatred, anger, or disappointment. I would like to be free of them. Much easier said than done, of course. Forgiveness is not one single act of will. It is a long – could even be a lifelong – process. There are lapses and failures when my negative feelings flare up again, and I am unable to find it in my heart to forgive. Then, at better times, I can do it again – at least for a while.

Many years ago, one of my bosses really hurt me. I suffered from grave depression for a whole year after the incident. He abused his power to get me punished for something that I hadn’t actually done, to cover his own failure to do his job properly. I still cringe thinking about the abuse and humiliation I suffered. I do hope that he got punished for what he had done by losing the trust of some of our colleagues who witnessed this. I even hope that he was tormented by his own conscience for what he had done to me. When my wound was fresh, I did dream about revenge: exposing him and getting legal justice. Only I was too broken to act on it. Very slowly, I let myself look at the situation from his perspective. I believe I understand now that, at that time, this must have seemed to be the best course of action for him to keep his position. I still think he was really wrong. I still think I was treated grossly unjustly. At the same time, I have to acknowledge that I learned a lot from that experience. I wouldn’t be where I am, I wouldn’t be who I am, if I hadn’t suffered so much from it. I know that eventually I got out of the situation a lot stronger – and somewhat wiser too. Have I forgiven him? It’s still a work in progress, but, most of the time, I believe I manage it.

So it is not easy at all to forgive someone else. Still, it’s a million times harder to forgive myself for hurting others. I find it almost impossible to forgive myself for lost opportunities; for unsaid thank-yous and apologies; for things I didn’t do when I should have; and things I did do when I shouldn’t have. Sometimes I can understand my past self, why I acted or didn’t act that way. I am even able to recount excuses for my actions or the lack thereof; I can see why, at that particular moment in time, that might have seemed to me the best course of action. Still, I find it awfully hard to forgive myself for hurting others, especially loved ones, unintentionally or otherwise. Again, I am sure I have learned a lot from the mistakes I made, big and small – at times, enormous. I am where I am, and I am who I am because I did make those mistakes. Can I forgive myself? Well, sometimes.

Forgiveness, in my opinion, is always about you. You deciding to put the burden of your own anger, disappointment, or hatred down; to let it go. Forgiveness is definitely not forgetting; it is a learning process that takes you forward on your path. Not being able to forgive, not working towards it, means that you are stuck in your own negative feelings and unable to move forward. I would like to move forward. I would like to learn how to forgive myself and others. I am working on it.